It has been only 4 days since my last entry. It seems longer. How many of you have been reading this on a consistent basis to even know that I have missed a few days? I don't think very many. As mentioned in a prior entry, my reason for not being around was because I had an uncle from out of state visiting for 8 Days. He took up the majority of my time. Now he's gone and I am back. Actually, I should have been on last night to do an entry, but I couldn't think of anything that peaked my interest enough to write about. I can't think of anything tonight, either, but I didn't want to give up writing so soon after starting. I really want to continue this writing thing, even if only to prove to myself that I can do it. But I am finding myself faced with the decision to either write just to write or to write only when I have something of interest to write about. If I stick to the latter, I won't be writing very often. Nothing thought-provoking enough happens to me to do so. So basically, I will be writing just to write. If you love me, you'll bear with me. Besides, if you're here, you obviously have nothing better to do. (I'm kidding.) So, onto tonight's subject- the out-of-state-uncle's visit. As expected, it didn't go very well. I spent the the entire 8 days being reminded what a self-centered, unwanted, inessential, stubborn, know-it-all bitch I am. I was informed that I am the cause of many of our family's problems. I was treated like a 2 year old, constantly being told what I can and cannot do. I was dragged from place to place all week, playing tour guide. I was made to believe that I am lucky to have a best friend like Nahal-not the other way around. In my uncle's eyes, she is perfect. She can do no wrong and she is an absolute delight to be around. She is sweet, kind and out-going. Basically, she's everything that I am not. That's what he believes anyway. I think I was thanked once this week, although I had been busting my ass all week to please him. Actually, the gratitude wasn't even directed specifically to me. It was just a generalized 'thank you'. Honestly, if he knew his way around here better, I don't think he would have bothered to even speak a word to me. However, I do not regret his visit or any of the incidents that took place. I was forced to look at the whole picture and I had time to contemplate many things. I learned quite a bit. I learned who I can trust and who I can count on. I learned who my real friends are. I learned how to sit back, listen and observe those around me. And by doing so, I learned that I am a much better person than some would like to give me credit for. I learned that the problem most of my family has with me is of no fault of my own. Their problems are mainly derived from their jealousy and stupidity. I learned when I should give it my all and when to walk away with my head held high. I learned that the term 'blood is thicker than water' holds no meaning to me. So while I wish it would have went better and I wish people could open their fucking eyes to who I really am, I am content with who I am. And I refuse to give anyone the power to change that. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I have a brief messge for my uncle.
Kenny- Regardless of what you have have chosen to believe about me, I can guaranty you that you couldn't be further from the truth. I am not self centered. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for those I love. You are proof of that. Was I not the first and only person to offer to save your life? You know what I am referring to. A selfish person wouldn't do that, not even if asked to do so. You never had to ask me. It was always a given that I would do that for you, because that's the self centered bitch I am. I am not the cause of anyone's problems. If anything, I am always the first one willing to forgive and forget. But how can I do that without anyone else willing to make an effort to do so? I can only try so much. No, I am not a quitter, but I know when enough is enough. I have taken more than my fair share of shit from my so-called family throughout my life. But I have never given up. I just step back and let things run their course. I am not stubborn. I have enough faith in my beliefs to stand firmly behind them. Shouldn't everyone? Yes, I am lucky to have the friends I have, but they too are lucky to have me. I have bent over backwards for my friends, sometimes more so than they do for me. I am also bright, outgoing and a delight to be around-if given the chance. But if you treat me like a bitch, expect me to act like one. And never say that I am a bitch and act like that's a bad thing. If I would have spent my life being weak, naive and easily pushed around, I would have never made it. You know to some extent what I have been through in this life, but you do not know the full extent of it, so do not judge me. And as for me being a know-it-all, well, I don't quite know everything. But I am closer to being one than you or anyone else you know. I do not apologize for this. I have spent my entire life learning any and everything I possibly can. Would you respect me more if my IQ was under 130? I wouldn't respect myself and that's what matters. But in the end, it's your decision. You can either continue to see me through your clouded vision, or you can see me for what I really am- an intelligent, honest, decent, and unique person who strives towards what I want and need. And like it or not, I make no excuses for who I am because there is no shame in being me.
