Yes, my many devoted readers, it is that time of year again. This has always been my favorite time of year because it is a time when I can reflect on everything I have and everything I am and everyone I know and I begin to realize how wonderful life can be. Christmas has always been a huge occassion in my home. We begin decorating the outside of the house the day after Thanksgiving with strand after strand of brightly colored lights- the roof, the trees, the bushes, the sidewalk the walls, the door and the gate. We place lighted animated deer on the lawn, 3 foot tall candy canes line the walkway, a couple lighted spiral Christmas trees are placed about the yard and a 5 foot lighted wreath adorns the cathedral style wall at the front of the house. And that's just the beginning. Each year, my grandmother tries to out-do every house within a 10 mile radius of us. Our home is starting to resemble that of Clark Griswald's, from Christmas Vacation. The inside of our house is just as decorated as the outside, maybe even more so. This year we went with an all white tree and trimmed it in gold. Although it isn't as bright as the trees from the past years, it is gorgeous. The presents are already beginning to overflow into the center of the living room. We have a walkway in the living room that leads from the front door, through the living room to the hallway. That too is decorated- with a lighted deer pulling a lighted sled. This thing stands just slightly taller than I do. And in the living room itself, in front of the fireplace, is yet another deer pulling a sled, but this one has Santa in it. Then there are about 40 Christmas bears seated all around the room. Lighted snowflakes hang in the picture windows and lighted candles sit on the sill. We already have about 20 pounds of homemade fudge made, and we're not even done. We also have the usual pies and cakes and cookies to munch on till our Christmas feast is served to us. Sometimes I make candy sticks, but I didn't this year. I haven't done a lot of things this year that I would normally do. My heart just isn't in it this Christmas. Because while I realize how good I have it and how fortunate I am on so many levels and how I am blessed with family and friends whom I love more than life itself, I'm also realizing that things could be better- the way they used to be. My uncle, Jimmy (not the one who visited on Thanksgiving, but another one)and his wife, Deana, are no longer on speaking terms with me. It seems they are upset at me for trying to keep contact with my cousin, Angela, who moved out of their house 2 years ago. They assumed I would disown her as they did. But I'm not like that. I am/was very close with my cousin. I raised her like she was my own daughter. She lived more with me than she did with her parents. So, naturally, we developed a bond. I can't just throw that away because she upset them. But even with this bond, some problems arose between her and I and we are just now getting back on speaking terms. But because of all the shit going on with her and her parents and her and my grandparents and her and I, she won't be here for Christmas this year. It's not comfortable enough for her yet. And while I understand that, I am still hurt that this is the first Christmas in 21 years that I won't be with her. It just doesn't feel right. I have been thinking about my father a lot lately. I don't know why- I never knew him and I never will. But I am doing what I can to get to know him in various ways. And since doing this, I sometimes think that maybe if he would have come back into my life, something may have happened and he wouldn't be dead now. I think about him around Christmas because it is normal to want your parents with you and because one of the few pictures I have of him is of him standing in front of a Christmas tree. So I relate Christmas to him in that way. I haven't seen or heard from my mother and one of my sisters in over 2 years. I don't know why. She never gave us a reason as to why she no longer wants contact with us. And no one knows where she is or how to get a hold of her. It's up to her to contact us because she knows where we are, which means I will more than likely never see or hear from my mother and sister again. I do have an aunt, Robyn, and her husband, Leonard, who will be here tomorrow, and we are on speaking terms, but she's odd. Anything can and probably will upset her. Plus, she's an overly critical snob, so I tend to let her alone. Leonard is also a critical snob and he's allergic to everything and he hates our dogs. My other cousin, Jimmy (Angela's brother), is probably the only one I get along with and who gets along with me, outside of Dean, my grandparents and Nahal. But he'll be spending the day getting in trouble because his dad is an asshole and his mother is an airhead. Jim, Deana, Robyn and Leonard all buy gifts out of obligation, not because they actually care enough to. So I am really fucking thrilled to see what I got. But I do look forward to spending the day with Dean, Nahal, Jimmy (Jr) and my grandparents and to sharing gifts with them. So all in all, it won't be so bad. I just hope I can find a coffee house that is open tomorrow. And I hope that everyone reading this, assuming you've made it this far, has as wonderful a Christmas as possible.
